3/18/12

What I realized about myself after Justice Ride


In my previous post, I mentioned that I hoped that my life will be changed after I completed my trip with Created Equal, a pro-life activist group. I can attest to this. I did not realize the impact this trip would have on me until I had been home for a few hours. It was overwhelming. I communicated with God for a while and I felt a sense of peace wash over me. I cried. I prayed. I praised God from my heart. I totally opened up and let God have me. I am His. I am not my own.

I’ve had to admit a few things to God and make confessions. I had to take complete responsibility for my wrong choices and actions. I have been blaming, either directly or in my mind, people in my life for the wrong choices I’ve made. This has to stop. It is affecting my relationships with people I love and the creation of new relationships.

 I will never be whole and I will never reach the complete manhood every man so desires if I continue to live in “adolescence”. This adolescence I speak of is the fantasy world a man lives in where he does not take responsibility for his actions and continues to chase after things that may only temporarily please himself and where he thinks he knows everything and is right about everything, never taking advice or constructive criticism from elders, children, (Yes, children. We fail so many times to see through the eyes of children), wives, best friends, co-workers, and our bosses and ultimately, God. I draw a few of these facts from a book I am currently reading, Fatherhood Aborted, written by Guy Condon and co-author David Hazard, pages 25-26 (?). I recommend this book to men, whether post-abortive or not.

Man was created to have intimate relationship with God. Man was also created to have intimate relationships with our fellow beings, women and men both. Man, for the most part, has failed in this area. Man in America and other developed countries has been taught to hold emotions in a sealed package, to carry secrets and burdens on his shoulders, to prevent others from seeing into himself, to not share any of these feelings, burdens and secrets with others. Man is taught to just be the stereotypical (emotionless and adventure-less) man, to tough it out, to not cry, to not share, to pursue only the things in life that will make him a better man in the eyes of the world and other men. Man is either tyrannical (sense of control) over his family or intimidated (sense of failure) by his wife and children, failing to set his foot down and taking up his Biblical responsibility to be a leader who is a servant as well. Bottom line, man thinks he has failed God and that he can never restore his relationship with the people in his life and with God. The devil works diligently to discourage man and to make him think he is nothing more than a stumbling block to himself and others, destined to fail again and again.

Last month, I posted that I prayed to Jesus that he would come into my heart and go straight into the wounds I have in there and I will meet him there. I asked for a new beginning, for healing, for divine inspiration to a path to wholeness, to manhood. No, our sexuality and associated endowment or the lack of or sexual prowess do not define our true manhood, though our sexuality is powerful & potent and affects many areas of our lives. I wanted to be the man Jesus himself was. He was lowly, humble, lived a life of compassion, and was a servant to the people he lead. Yes, a leader is one who is a servant, the one and the same. I do not see myself as a leader (a huge leap of faith here), but I know I can become a better servant. My pride prevents many of these things. I hate it so much. I hate my pride. I hate it. It prevents me from complete humility. I have to get rid of it and it will take a conscious effort to do it. Many negative thoughts, such as anger, envy, jealousy, and pride come into my mind involuntarily and I must make a habit of thinking on the good thoughts of forgiveness, generosity, compassion, and humility at ALL times to counter these negative thoughts. They are the work of the devil. I ask for the grace of God and power to help me with this.

Now, having said this, I have a burden lifted off of my shoulders. I basically got rid of more of my pride when two different people, a man and a young woman came to me last week during my trip. As I was talking to them, the subject shifted to my faith and my walk with God. The young man at the University of Florida questioned me about my faith and my belief that God existed. The young woman at the University of Central Florida, Grace was her name, questioned me about what I defined as true repentance and whether I knew and practiced the Great Commission (Ezekiel 3:18-21). I had to admit that I did not know the Great Commission, though I had heard of it and that I did not practice this. I had only merely tried to be a witness through my actions and I have failed in this area. My actions have not very often been void of carnal reactions to situations. I was quick to anger, quick to blame others, quick to sulk when I did not get my way, and quick to negative thoughts that affected every area of my life. Realization began to dawn on me as I was reading Fatherhood Aborted (I have never participated in an abortion of a child. I read this book to understand so I can help others.), that I must take responsibility and to stop letting my carnal flesh control me. I must turn my carnality over to God and be accountable to God. I know full well that He can restore me and make me whole again. I know He will make me a man, His son.   

My faith in God has increased. My prayers were answered last week. He never fails me. I want to get closer to Him through dedication to daily devotion and prayer. I understand the risks of following Jesus, but I am willing to take the risks!!

I need to go. I am going to work on my journal this week and will transfer everything to the blog about the Justice Ride. Check back later this week, if you will.

God bless! Have a wonderful Sunday and week!

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